(ED: Before you read on, I’d like to add that this is not a review. It’s more of a recolection of my day at Southsea Fest 2010 between the bits I managed to remember between vast amounts of Sailor Jery’s Mojitos. Credit to Mark Hayward, Adam Wintle and Dave Butler respectively for the the photos/videos I have used to complete this post).

After being awoken by the arrival of Fights & Fires at 2am Saturday for a bed on my living room floor, I woke up about 10.30am. I chucked the Final Round… FIGHT! merch box into their van, and walked down to The Deco, followed by a trip to the Kings Theatre to grab wrist bands, a pop into The Wine Vaults Southsea DIY stage to say hello, and various other meet and greets throughout said journey. The first thing I noticed was the out-of-whack times for our stage. They seemed to be half an hour behind the times we had been told, and a massive typo stated that we were on at “14.99”. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TIME THAT IS.

First on the agenda, WHERE THE HELL IS MY BEER? I think my first tin of the day arrived in my hand at about 11.30. Beer necked, merch set up and a quick hello to the rest of the FR…F! boys and Lara who was running the The Deco stage, we legged it down to The Edge Of The Wedge for Hold Your Horse Is.

We arrived to see the last 3 songs of UTE, but somehow not even by the first band the BSM/Alcopop stage was already running late according to the times. UTE finished their set just as HYHI were meant to be starting, which was interesting to say the least. I’d not heard them before, but the reminded me of Shapes if they had an acoustic guitar. So a quick “SOZ LOL, HVE FUN, BYE!” to James and Robin was followed by a walk back to The Deco and set our stuff up. On the walk back Ash (our drummer) raided a shop for Lucozade to cure his Whiskey hangover to get back on it later.

We arrived, saw the last couple of Kodiak Jack’s songs, got more beer in us, set up, line checked and played our half an hour set. Good fun, nice and big crowd (we have low expectations to turn outs from experience), and some crowd surfing/failed human pyramids for good measure. I don’t think The Deco staff/door staff were too pleased with me ending our set stood on the bar with a cymbal stand smashing the crap out of it with a drum stick, meh, deal with it. I was still nice enough to wipe the bar down for them afterwards so we’re even.



It was at this point they ran out of Red Stripe at The Deco and started handing out Desperados instead, RESULT. I think I managed to drink about 3 of them during the Fights & Fires set that followed ours, which was cracking to say the least. A stage dive off a pillar, crowd surfing on a pedal case, a circle pit, Phil in his pants and Ryan being over-the-top as usual.



So after F&F I went and looked after the merch desk for a while and watched The Exposed from the back. I’d not seen them properly before, but had heard them through a wall when practicing while I was babysitting The Old Blacksmiths studio a long time ago. An enjoyable set and a tight punk band, although I think I’d have enjoyed them much more when I was 15 and bands like Rancid and Anti-Flag were my religion. All-in-all, a nice blast from the past.

Exposed done, kit share block for the stage also done, I packed up our stuff and walked it to my flat, walked back to help F&F pack up, drop the van off also at my flat, and go enjoy the rest of my day.

This is when the drink started to take it’s toll (it’s only 2.30pm, uh-oh) but we ended up in The Wine Vaults for the Southsea DIY stage just in time for You Me And The Atom Bomb. Last time I saw them was the SSMC show the weekend I was celebrating my 23rd birthday, when they played ‘Won’t Let Go’ as I crowd surfed in a half-cut state singing every word. Needless to say it made another appearance for Southsea Fest, although the upstairs was so rammed I stood at the back singing along with a Sailor Jerry’s Mojito in one hand and the other punching the air. Hud’s bass seemed to be having difficulty and cutting out which was pretty annoying considering his job in adding to YMATB’s small 3-piece, gruff Punk soundscape is quite important, but you can’t blame the band’s performance for that.



As the Southsea DIY stage went on their catch-up time break (festival promoters note: this is a genius idea), it was time to trot down Albert Road for the band I was most looking forward to; &U&I. I don’t really know what to say here, as I loved Blakfish so SO much and it’s not the same. By all means they were good, but at last year’s SSF I crowd surfed across The Edge Of The Wedge singing “it could be worse, you could be dead”. Maybe once they release something and I know how the songs go I’ll get into them more, but for now I left the Edge a victim of over hyping something too much.

It was at this point where the cocktail of booze really started to kick me in the face. I walked back to the Wine Vaults just in time for The Cut Ups. All I really remember was them being as good as they usually are and enjoying it, but I was in no state to comment any further.

After a typical “always an pleasure” Attack! Vipers! set completed by the addition to my favourite song “Le Mort Noir” to the set and some crowd-surfing which got my photo in the local newspaper with Joe Watson’s name under it instead of mine, I headed outside for a cigarette only to be told by a member of the door staff I was too drunk to come back in. My opinion is I remember it happening and if I know what’s going on around me I’m more than capable of not being a bumbling pain-in-the-arse (no more than usual anyway), but alas my usual loud self sometimes get confused for drunken lairy twatness, even at times when I’ve been completely sober. If the door staff thought I was drunk at this point they should have came back an hour later for a REAL second opinion.



I walked back to The Edge Of The Wedge and managed to get in for Pulled Apart By Horses thanks to some good timing before it became one in, one out with my old housemate Andy for some catching up. That’s the last thing I remember, next thing I knew I woke up at 8am in bed.

For my summary, I think I owe an apology: I do not remember a single part of PABH set which is A) a bit gutting as I’ve never seen them in a small venue but B) most importantly, there was probably at least one massive PABH fan outside who could not get in, who really should have had my place inside instead considering I have no memory of anything. I’m sure they would have remembered enjoying it to say the least.

I can’t say much more really other than what an awesome day it was and well done to all involved. Days like this make me remember in my cynical and bitter years that there is still a music scene worth being a part of in Portsmouth.

Dear Producers/Directors/Writers and anyone else involved with the production the hit Channel 4 Programme Skins,

It has recently come to my attention that after writing a half-decent first (and not-so-decent but still borderline okay second) series of Skins, that you have decided to opt out of portraying the deep characters and emotional relationships we can all relate to from our teenage years (if not slightly exaggerated) in favour of ‘edgy’ montages of parties, drug use and sex, while breaking the latest ‘Indie Sensation’ supergroup-of-the-week by playing their new single over the top of it.

Now, by all means I’m not saying you shouldn’t be allowed to do this, but why are you spending money to do it? There’s writers and film makers out there who would kill a cute puppy in it’s own warm blood for that money, and produce a masterpiece that would show your TV show for the steaming-piece-of-trendy-sh*te anyone over the age of 20 who doesn’t listen to Radio One as a religion already sees it is.

Don’t worry though, Mr. Commissioner of C4’s programming budget, as I have found a solution that will allow you to place your time and money in better entertainment avenues, while still producing Skins for the little kiddlily-winks for a grand total cost of NOTHING.

So, here is my step-by-step and easy-to-follow guide on how to make an episode of Skins for free…

1) Go to youtube.com.

2) Search for some video footage of something that might offend or upset an old person: “Drug use”, “Soft Porn”, “Cat being hit by car”, “W*nking onto household objects”, etc.

3) Find the video you want to use, pause it and let it buffer.

For the example I am using, I’ve opted for a clip of someone shooting up Heroin…



4) Now open up a new tab/window on your browser and find the Music Video of a song you hear on the Radio FAR TOO F*CKING MUCH. Good examples would be The Kooks, The Gossip, Foals, etc. Remember; the trendier, the better. Take all things in consideration. Haircuts? Pointiness of shoes? How much neon are they collectively wearing? Are there any glowsticks? Do they own Cardigans from Topman or a charity shop?

5) Find the music video you want to use for your Skins episode, pause it and let that buffer too.

For my example I’ve decided to use that fucking sugar-coated piece of jangley twat shit that is The Wombats’ Let’s Dance To Joy Division…



6) Wait for both your videos to completely buffer. Once they have, in one swift move do the following:

Press play on the music video while turning the volume up in the bottom-right corner.

Press play on Video footage, mute the volume in the bottom right corner and fullscreen it.

7) You should now have on your computer screen some ‘edgy’ video footage with a trendy soundtrack playing in the background. Feel free to try it with the two videos above I offered as an example.

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU’VE MADE AN EPISODE OF SKINS!

Why stop there?

Why not do it 8 times, with 8 different songs and 8 different pieces of video footage and make a whole series?

Why not, Skin’s lovers, while you’re bored in the Summer waiting for the next series to start, keep yourself occupied by making your own series?

In conclusion, Skins is the worst thing on TV, and I wish they’d just cancel it.

If you want to watch a show that’s entertaining with over-the-top drug use and sex just watch Shameless, it’s far superior.